Friday, July 10, 2009
5 Badass Animals (Who Lead Miserable Lives)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
4 Wrestlers Who Would Be Serving Life Sentences if Wrestling Was Real
4) Stone Cold Steve Austin
Charges: Aggravated assault, attempted calculated murder, public drunkenness , DUI, grand theft beer truck/zamboni
Biggest offense: Attempted vehicular homicide
Austin's image is pretty much based around the concept that he is a rule breaker. In stark contrast to the faces of old, Austin gained fans not by supporting America and imploring kids to say their prayers and drink their milk, but rather by kicking his boss's ass on a weekly basis, and telling kids to go fuck themselves. All of this was in kayfabe of course (kayfabe = "in character", the etymology of which reportedly is derived from pig latin for "fake" - which pretty much makes me an "agfay" for knowing that), and only added to his appeal.
"Go fuck yourselves New York! ...Austin 3:16 shirts now just $19.99 at wwfshopzone.com!"
Possibly the most insulting act to wrestling fans' intelligence, however, came at Survivor Series 2000, when in a match between Austin and Triple H, Austin locked Helmsley into a car, somehow gained access to an industrial 50 ft. crane, and lifted the car with it and subsequently dropped it to the ground. Oftentimes the creative team will "write in" a reason as to why a wrestler legitimately has to take camera time off for personal reasons. Surely this was some sort of explanation for Helmsley having real-life surgery or something. This sort of heinous act would invariably severely injure, if not instantly kill someone.
Triple H was on RAW 15 days later, healthy as a horse!
3) Triple H
Charges: Indecent exposure, fraud, assault with a deadly weapon with intent to injure, conspiracy
Biggest offense: Videotaped and publicly admitted rape
The Game himself is just an upstanding, morally sound fellow, isn't he? Betraying long time friends to get ahead, hospitalizing innocent men, raping his boss's daughter...wait, what? In 1999, Stephanie McMahon was set to marry Test on an episode of RAW (always the best forum for a declaration of holy matrimony), but as the priest asked if anyone had any objections, H's music hit, and out he came with video evidence of him drugging, marrying, and subsequently raping a passed-out Stephanie. Vince McMahon had all the evidence he needed; he called the cops and Helmsley was sent directly to jail without parole. ...Just kidding, this is pro wrestling, McMahon instead did nothing other than sign himself into a title match against Helmsley. The punishment has to fit the crime, after all!
Christ, if real life was anything like wrestling Saddam would not have been captured and killed, he would have faced Dubya in a ladder match for the rights to face the champion at WrestleMania, and the 'Iraq war' would have been nothing more than Bush blowing his nose in the Iraqi flag in front of Saddam's weeping manager and Saddam calling everybody in attendance 'stupid Americans'.
2) The Big Boss Man
Charges: Animal cruelty, inhumane murder of animals, interrupting a funeral and dragging the dead man's goddamned corpse by a chain attached to his personalized police car (I can't even feign legal jargon with these crimes, they're too fucked up)
Biggest offense: Killing, slicing and dicing a man's dog without his consent and subsequently feeding it to him, cackling maniacally
The Big Boss Man was one of those mid-carders in the early 1990s who everyone knew but no one quite knew why he was on television. He's been offensively overweight his entire career, and his entire gimmick is that he's a cop. I know there are some uncreative gimmicks out there, but Christ, his gimmick may as well have been that he's a dinosaur.
"You know who are hard asses? T-REXES! But since we sadly can't fashion a man into a dinosaur, let's just make him a policeman."
In the late 1990s he came back with a complete character overhaul which included exchanging his blue police shirt for a black SWAT team vest. He also became the most sadistic motherfucker on the face of the planet. It happened in a strangely clandestine meeting in a seedy Worchester, MA hotel between the Boss Man himself and Al Snow. The two were bitter enemies at the time, yet somehow put their differences aside for a completely unexplained casual meeting before the show in Snow's hotel room, where Boss Man offered Snow some food. Disregarding the fact that the Boss Man was apparently out for blood, Snow readily accepted the mystery meat without so much as a precautionary sniff. After he ate it, the Boss Man excitedly told him that he just ate his own dog. Once again, instead of being thrown into jail and protested by PETA for the rest of his mortal life, a wacky gimmick match was created for the next Pay-Per-View event to settle the horrific injustice. The two fought in a hilariously failed "Kennel From Hell" match wherein dogs were supposed to be surrounding the ring, acting all ferocious and shit like dogs do, but instead just yelped defeatedly and pissed all over themselves.
1) The Big Boss Man (again)
Charges: See above.
Biggest offense: See above.
For some reason the Big Boss Man became the most soulless antichrist on the face of the planet (which laughably still didn't get him over as a heel), and his laundry list of mortal sins became way too much for just one entry. Try to follow this horrifying (and retarded) chain of events:
In another feud with The Big Show, Boss Man decided to get into his opponents head by somehow uncovering untold secrets Show had never told anyone in his life. Boss Man hired someone to tell Show that his father had passed away. At the funeral, he showed up in a custom made police car that he inexplicably owned, chained the casket to it and drove away whirring his sirens, screaming and shooting off his guns like it was an episode of a necrophiliac Dukes of Hazard. A few weeks after this display which likened him to a satanic Yosemite Sam, he decided to mess with Show a little more. He accomplished this by knocking on his mother's door, who, like Snow, readily invited the raging maniac who just stole her late husband's corpse into her home for milk and cookies. During the powwow, Boss Man got Big Show's mother to admit that he was a bastard child, and immediately exclaiming to the camera that he was a "Big Nasty Bastard!" while cackling to the camera. Boss Man then stole blankets from a nearby orphanage and strangled an elderly woman trying to cross the street with them while pissing on an American flag [citation needed].
Once again, a sordid affair that should probably have involved intervention of National Defense was instead solved by a wrestling match with some wacky stipulation. The Big Boss Man died a few years later, presumably from guilt.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
The 4 Requisite Jokes for Every Sitcom
Friday, June 19, 2009
The 8 Most Loathsome Individuals at the Gym
By Russ Whiting
WHO?
WHY THIS SUCKS:
7. THE PERPETUAL IMPERFECTION
WHO?
On the other hand, you have someone that could be accurately classified as a liar, an ignorant sap, or a poor misguided bastard that chronically brings about self-inflicted failure. They may workout adamantly in the gym for hours at a time, but usually subject themselves to a major flaw that inhibits themselves to the point of inconclusive results every time. It’s just like an ancient Greek tragedy, only with Twinkies in place of incest and eye mutilation!
WHY THIS SUCKS:
6. THE DISGRUNTLED GRUNTER
WHO?
WHY THIS SUCKS:
5. THE CAMPER
4. GUY KNOW IT ALL
2. THE WATCHER
WHO?
1. PERVASIVE NAKED OLD GUY IN THE LOCKER ROOM
WHO?
WHY THIS SUCKS
Sure, that’s what the locker room is there for. There are lockers (!), showers, toiletries, sometimes even saunas and steam rooms. But those are merely there for decoration when this guy’s on the prowl. Instead of going from one hygienic task to the next in a time-efficient, conventional manner that ninety nine percent of the normal population engages in, this guy is seen languidly lounging around the locker room benches like some ancient Roman dinner banquet attendee, the white towel draped loosely around his waist serving as the metaphorical toga.